Something We All Can Do

I've been thinking a lot lately about what I would change in the world. Some things are simple - systems and processes and organizations that don't seem to make any sense in my mind. But others are far too complex to even hope that I could make a difference on my own. A recurring theme is wanting to help people who have the light of the gospel and turn away because their lives are too hard, too painful, too anything... and trying to determine what I can do, and what the world could do, to help them find faith.

If I could write a guidebook for all the members of the Church, or everyone in the world, it would encourage men and women to love one another - to find ways to get to know the hearts of others and to listen to them with open hearts and open ears. It would tell men to pray for others, to talk with them, to offer to be a major part of their lives whether or not something seems wrong. To withhold judgment and honestly care about people, and to care about them regardless of what happens in the end. It would push men to find the good in others and focus on it, instead of boxing them into types or labels or mass prejudices. If it took into account men who struggle with same-sex attraction as well, it would focus on the blessings of living the gospel, and the blessings of keeping the commandments (not simply telling them to get married... or even that their problems would be simply fixed) in the here and now.

But there are so many people in the world... and each of our experiences is so different and dynamic. I could never write a book or manual that would accurately touch on every potential aspect of life over the lives of 100 billion people. And so, anything I wrote would be filled with a thousand things that apply equally to everyone... and yet also have the strength to change the lives of individuals, the power to bring a man from sorrow to joy, from despair to hope, from fear to faith.

And while I could write something that maybe would make a difference in my life, or in the lives of a few people in humanity, I could never really hope to write anything that would either be truly applicable, useful, and personal to individuals in humanity and also make it universally applicable to generations and cultures over the expanse of time. Only someone who truly understands the principles of truth that underlie eternity itself, and can see the complex interaction of those principles in the lives of every person to ever live could do such a thing, could perform such a task.

And that's why God wrote the scriptures.
The scriptures hold the answers to all of life's questions. They reveal the truth of eternities as applied to my life and every life. They open the door to revelation and tune my heart and soul to listen to God Himself... and if I follow all His teachings and realize His plan, I find happiness, peace, hope, and joy, no matter who I am or what trials I face.

...and for that, I am eternally grateful.

The Juxtaposition of Hope and Reality

The last few months have made me wonder about my life, what really happens, and where I'm going. Part of the time I find myself inspired and lifted by hope - convinced that everything will work out in the near future and optimistic through the rough points of my experience. Other days, I find that optimism wanting, and, when people ask how I'm doing or I take a break from the stress of everyday, I honestly look at my life and realize that it is not ideal. Nowhere near ideal. I have so many unsolved problems that I wonder if I will ever make enough headway to be a profitable servant in the Lord's kingdom, and at least a hundred reasons for why I haven't found the right girl become self-apparent.

I think this juxtaposition - the optimism and forward-acting nature of hope and faith, versus the fatalism and frustration of my interpretation of reality - is a big source of my difficulties in life. If I were blissfully unaware of the happiness that family life and better relationships entail, perhaps I wouldn't think about my own state as much. But at the same time, perhaps that same bliss would deaden the sense of urgency to move closer to Christ and become a better person with each passing day. Hence the positive and negative... and the power of having both.

Looking at my own life, much of the good I have accomplished has been due to the balancing of these two forces, and ultimately learning to submit to faith. My commitment to help others came out of it, as did many of the habits I learned as a missionary and serving in the Church. So did my love of people, writing this blog, and a hundred other things in my life - all held in place because of two very real truths - through living the gospel I can find peace and hope, and my life is sometimes not peaceful or hopeful. Which means that with each passing day, I strive to find ways to better live by the principles that I believe.

This trial - life - seems so incredibly perfect sometimes. Hard enough to make you cry and want to give up, yet just bearable enough to allow you the strength to turn to God, find faith, and thrive. If I had designed my life, I don't think I would have chosen the facets I've seen in a thousand years... and yet the task at hand matches me so perfectly. Am I willin to put everything - everything on the altar of sacrifice? Am I willing to live my life according to the tenets that God has revealed, even when they seem disordinately different from my own experience? And can I develop the faith I need to live, thrive, and find happiness in a dichotomous environment? I guess time, and the decisions I make, will tell whether my hopes influence and guide my reality, or the other way around.

CES Fireside Tonight - 6:00 MST - Elder Jensen

There's a CES fireside tonight; Elder Jay E Jensen will be speaking at 6:00 MST to young adults all over the world. You can watch the fireside live at cesdevotionals.LDS.org or get the live audio feed at mormonchannel.org.

I'll probably be tweeting the fireside live. You can follow me on Twitter - @gaymormonguy - and you'll hear from me tonight!

Even though it be a cross that raiseth me

I was just playing the piano and listening to the words of hymns in my mind, and the last one I played was "Nearer, My God, to Thee." For a long time I've known that all of the things the Lord gave me - same-sex attraction included - were gifts to help me somehow return to Him. But the music of this hymn, seems to break through the simple words I've used before and speak volumes to my heart.

Nearer, my God, to Thee, nearer to Thee!
E'en though it be a cross that raiseth me.
Still all my song shall be nearer my, my God, to Thee,
Nearer, my God, to Thee, nearer to Thee!

Though like the wanderer, the sun gone down,
Darkness be over me, my rest a stone,
Yet in my dreams I'd be nearer, my God to Thee,
Nearer, my God, to Thee, nearer to Thee!

There let the way appear, steps unto heav'n;
All that Thou sendest me, in mercy giv'n;
Angels to beckon me nearer, my God, to Thee,
Nearer, my God, to Thee, nearer to Thee!

Then with my waking thoughts bright with Thy praise,
Out of my stony griefs Bethel I'll raise;
So by my woes to be nearer, my God, to Thee,
Nearer, my God, to Thee, nearer to Thee!

The Lord knows my heart, and He knows me as His son. He loves me, and because He does, He gives me everything I need to be happy and to come closer - nearer - to Him. The cross that lifts me is my own. I have been given trials and tribulations - steps unto Heaven, given by God through His mercy and love - intended specifically for me... and with the one express purpose of lifting me from the mundane world of mortality and raising me up to happiness, joy, love, and eternal life. With that in mind, I can look at my life, my circumstances, and who I am inside... and turn to follow God and become nearer to Him. And as I do, everything will work out.

Or if on bended wing, cleaving the sky,
Sun, moon, and stars forgot, upwards I fly,
Still all my songs shall be nearer, my God, to Thee.
Nearer, my God, to Thee, nearer to Thee!

Resolutions

I find that holidays seem to bring out the best and worst in me. The best, as I have the opportunity to spend a few days away from the stress of life - trying to relax. The worst, as I find myself brooding over the events in my life and wondering exactly which way I'm supposed to go.

This holiday season was no different.

I sat down to try to make goals for my life, and realized that, in many cases, I don't really even have a direction that I'm traveling. I'm just living each day as it comes. And without a direction, it's useless to create a goal to get there.

Living each day in the moment has some major benefits. I don't have to worry about what will happen tomorrow, or the next day, or the next. Keeping the commandments is far easier when you only look forward to the end of the day, and then let the next day fend for itself. But there are major drawbacks as well. It's hard to tell exactly what I've accomplished, how I've made a difference in the world (if any), and how I am changing in my life. Am I really any better than I was two months ago? Or a year ago? If so, how? Maybe I'm just really bad at remembering the things I write and the concepts they entail in my life, but I find myself wondering about if I'm even moving forward at all - and where forward is, if I'm moving there. And that's where I am today. Not really sure which direction I'm supposed to be going, in any of the facets of my life, and trying to stay afloat and on top of the commitments I've already made.

Somedays I feel like I am a living teeter-totter. Going back and forth and back and forth just because - with nothing really stable to hold on to. The gospel is stable, and following it's principles will always bring peace, but how those principles apply and what they mean to me seem to change with each passing day.

Wow. This post doesn't make a lot of sense. But, then again, neither does life sometimes. And there's the take-away: if I live my life the best I can, regardless of how much sense it does or doesn't make to me or others, the Lord will make it all work out in the end. All things will be for my good, if I serve God and keep His commandments. So that's the only direction that really matters. Stay close to God, come unto Him, and it will all work out. Nice.

Christmas Traditions

It's always been a tradition in my family to watch the Nativity - and in the years since I left home, I've continued to keep it. This year, the Church has created amazing videos that are available online - at Mormon Channel - Bible Videos

The videos have only scripted text that comes from the Bible - no extra added words... just an opportunity to listen to the Spirit. They're longer than the short nativity video I remember as a kid, but this Christmas, especially with Christmas on Sunday, I'd suggest taking the time to watch them and remember the purpose behind this season and time of the year. And as you watch, listen to the Spirit... and determine what you can give Christ this Christmas.

Ultimatum: My Conversation with God

Ul•ti•ma•tum - noun, pl. -tums
A final, uncompromising demand or set of terms issued by a party to a dispute, the rejection of which may lead to a severance of relations or to the use of force.

Throughout the less inspired portions of my life I've sometimes asked the Lord, over and over and over again, to do something that fit my demands. I wanted people to love me unconditionally. I wanted them to understand and befriend me. I wanted them to appreciate the sacrifices I was making. I wanted a happy family, the perfect life, and the ability to make my trials melt away with faith and prayer. In some of them, I found myself simply asking the Lord for help, but in others I realize that I was dictating what I would and wouldn't do, based on His involvement in my life. I was giving God ultimatums.

They all made sense to me, and, to be honest, were based on extremely poignant needs and rooted in strong faith that the Lord, in His power, could do anything for me. But with each fervent request there was a consequence I had constructed - a penalty if God did not do what I told Him I needed Him to do. I wouldn't date if I didn't have the assurance that I would someday find a wife. I wouldn't tell my priesthood leaders about past transgressions unless they, or the Lord, told me to in no uncertain terms. I wouldn't engage in life and society if society and life didn't understand me. In each case, along with the fervent prayer, was a caveat... and those caveats limited the ability of the Lord to teach me, inspire me, and help me achieve the goals I had in the first place.

An ultimatum with God tries to enforce my will, my logic, my timeframe, and my knowledge onto the ruler of the Universe... instead of humbly asking Him for help and being willing to do whatever He asks of me.

But God can give ultimatums, too.

The conversion stories of Paul, Alma the Younger, and the people of Ammon have always been intriguing to me. In a moment, these people received a personal ultimatum from God and changed a massive part of who they were, how they saw life, and how they interacted with the Lord... and never turned back. It applied to them so deeply and personally that they could never, ever forget... and it gave them the strength to resist temptation for the rest of their lives. Now I think I know, at least in part, how they felt... because it's happened to me.

A little while ago I had a dream. In the dream, I was sleeping in a bed with my siblings. I got out of bed and my mother came in the room, then clearly explained that she knew about all of my past sins. "I love you," she said, "and I understand what you are going through, perfectly. But if this (sins associated with SSA - pornography, masturbation, ...) ever happens again, you will begin to lose your ability to help them (indicating my siblings)."

The dream broke, and I woke up shaking. It was obvious to me what it meant. There's no one on earth - my mother included - who truly understands me perfectly. Only God could say that. And the consequence that He revealed - beginning to lose my ability to help my brothers and sisters here on the earth - touched me deeper than anything else could... because it was personal, because it made sense, and because I knew it was real. That was it - the Lord had drawn the line in the sand, and crossing it again, even once, would have clear, present, and lasting consequences for me... and also for others. If I ever crossed the line again, something would be lost in me - and due to my lack of faith, someone else's needs would go unmet and unnoticed.

It will take a lifetime to see what I do with the knowledge I've gained from God - whether I will value my own salvation, and my ability to help others, or whether I will trade those for the things I think I want. Whether I will make my own demands, or follow the will of God. Whether I will forget, or burn the memory in my heart. Either way, the ultimatum is down... and it's my choice from now on. I value my ability to help others, and my own eternal happiness, more than anything else, and so I plan on doing everything I can to stay faithful, no matter what the cost.

If You Could See Inside My Mind

... You'd probably find a couple of seemingly contradictory layers.

On the outside is the assertive, optimistic, passionate, and successful person that is "me" in social situations, that shows through on a first date, and the way that others see me when they watch me from a distance. It's a construct - but not a facade - that displays who I am and how I want others to experience me... and more than that, it's the interface by which I've found I can influence the world for good. I change my outer shell whenever I need to - not drastically, but to better meet and understand the needs of the people with whom I work on a day-to-day basis. Here I'm a friend and teacher - someone that can make a difference.

A little deeper is the honest, raw, rational reality of my life - the endless list that describes my (or anyone else's in the world) life and experience from a purely objective standpoint. This comes out among friends, or even in casual conversation beyond the first few minutes... and is where I spend much of my time here at GMG. You'd see my reactions and reflections in the moment, feel the pain I feel, when I feel it, and rejoice when I find meaning in life, or things just seem to work out. This world is uniquely fatalistic - not because I believe I'm fated to experience life as I am, but because, if it never works out, learning to be content with what the Lord has given me is the only way to survive. Here I'm just another person - tossed back and forth and the sum of what happens to me... and sometimes I wonder if I'll ever amount to anything.

Another level deeper and you find faith - pure and simple - and the reality that is my life in emotions and in my heart. It's the meaning I find when I've been suffering from intense depression, the joy at helping someone find peace and joy in life, and the commitments I've made to myself, to God, and to others. It's the sum of my beliefs, all held up like a pretty, perfect picture... and sometimes I stand here in GMG. This is the level and layer where I think of myself as the hero in a story about changing the world.

And the last layer is the real me. Beyond the outer shell, the things that happen to me, and the morals that I claim to espouse, who am I, really? What choices do I make in the dark of night when no one is watching? How do I honestly feel about others, and what are my motives in everything I do? Here, I'm just another person. Another son of God, another man trying to make it through life into eternity... and here, finally, I am in control of not only my choices, but my happiness. If I choose the right, and know that I am following God, life becomes far simpler than the other layers make it out to be. Do what is right, and let the consequence follow... and God will take care of me.

I am a child of God. I live here, in life, with a thousand different outside influences on my mind each day. I have moral and ethical concerns and concepts that the Lord teaches me, line upon line. And, at my core, I am who I choose to be. And, at least today, I can cut through the layers of the outside and see myself for who I am. A son of God, trying to move forward, honestly doing what I can to not betray the spark of divinity that ties me to Him. And when I see that, everything makes sense... my life is perfectly fair... I am filled with hope and peace... and I am honestly and truly amazing.

The Good and the Bad

I've almost posted half a dozen incredibly depressing posts over the last week, only to have my introspection cut short by something that totally lifts (and changes) the mood. The First Presidency Christmas Devotional was a good example. I had had an awful day - bad enough that others IRL (in real life) started to notice - and I was writing a post titled "When I Want a Guy," in reference to a guy at church who had somehow distracted me from multiple hours of worship. Depression, frustration, stress, and a strong unwanted attraction for another guy - definitely strong emotions to put on paper. But as soon as the Mormon Tabernacle Choir began to sing, everything began to change. I felt a wave of peace, I forgot about the guy who had consumed my thoughts, my tears changed from despair to hope, and I knew I couldn't write on that topic anymore. So I used Twitter and logged some of my thoughts. If you didn't see the devotional, it's worth watching, period. You can see it at LDS.org. Especially amazing were the clips from the new Bible films the Church is creating - they only have scriptural quotes as script - no filler lines... just images that allow you to feel the Spirit and know what is happening... and are magnificent.

It happened again as I sat on the outskirts of a social activity, frustrated with myself, when someone came up to me and began to outline, slowly and honestly, the things they admired in me. I felt, in that moment, like God really was watching out for me, because this person that I don't even know well prays for me... and I know that God hears and answers prayers.

More depression met with a letter from someone sharing a powerful success story and the joy of reading about his ability to move forward, more frustration met with people who stopped and honestly asked if was ok and what could they do to help me in my life. If only I knew. But, together, it meant that every time I felt at the bottom of my game, there was someone there to raise me up... and for that I am incredibly grateful. Even in the bad times, the Lord finds ways to help me... to lift me and bless me and get me moving... and so I keep moving forward, one step at a time.

Fear of Friendship

I'm trying to befriend a guy I recently met - mainly by finding things we have in common... things we can do together. It's not a relationship based on attraction; I just need more friends who are already my colleagues. He's an upstanding guy, and I'm trying to make it work.

Slowly I've felt like maybe I'm making headway... where headway really isn't much... getting a response when I talk with him, or coming up, twice, with something that we could do. It's something... but not much.

So it shouldn't have been surprising when he canceled on me today because he was doing stuff with another friend... and didn't invite me because he wasn't sure if I'd want to come... but surprise isn't the right word. What had been a good day suddenly turned about-face and went downhill from there.

The strange thing is that I know, completely, that to him there isn't a breach in our slowly-growing friendship. Difficulties in communication are totally normal for people when they're learning about each other, and we really don't know each other very well yet. We'll meet up tomorrow, and it'll be like nothing happened on his side. Everything is normal, and there's no need to be concerned. So why do I feel betrayed, frustrated, confused, or whatever it is that's inside my head? This doesn't really make sense.

Looking back, though, I don't think this is an uncommon experience. I don't get close to people very often - especially guys. I don't know why. Maybe it's because I'm afraid the relationship won't last even if I try. And then, when I actually do try, and the relationship shows any sign of need for improvement, red flags go off in my head instead of just being something to note for the future.

It could be because I've had people disappear on me before, without any notice. Relationships that seemed to be healthy from every aspect I could see that disappeared overnight, without a trace... and that left plenty of evidence that it was somehow my fault. I think the paranoia makes sense on that regard - having friends who move away so they don't see me anymore, others whose last words are that it's too hard to be my friend, and others that simply cut off all communication without explanation are good reasons to be paranoid about any sign that I could be losing another battle.

But does the paranoia, regardless of whether it's self-made or circumstantial, really help? Or is it just shooting me in the foot? For much of today, I've struggled to concentrate on anything for very long. And tomorrow, will it affect me? Is it something that I can even change? And the sheer act of writing a blog post on something so incredibly small makes me think that I have OCD.

I think that maybe this is a sign that I'm expecting too much from my relationships with other people... far too soon. And I guess that makes some sense... based on the friendship patterns that have worked and not worked for me in the past. Most of my friendships just disappear with the circumstances that brought us together. The only real friendships that have lasted a long time have been with God and a few family members. Right now, whenever I need someone to talk with, or consult, or if I have any need at all, I turn to God... and He's always there for me. He's always willing to drop anything to listen, and He will always take the time to understand when I need help. I can work, or go to the gym, or simply sit, and He is there - ready and willing and able to be a friend. My family is the same. And when I'm looking for friends, I guess I'm expecting them to fit that role, and that's what I find myself trying to offer as a friend.

But people don't always want an instant best friend - someone who treats them like family from the first meeting. And some people can't reciprocate, or aren't used to that level of trust... and while I want to be the perfect friend, and completely available to people, sometimes I'm not. I get lost in depression, and so busy that I don't check my phone for hours or my email for days.

That feels like the issue here at hand... and I think what I need to do is just realize what is happening inside my mind and come to grips with what is happening. As I slowly gain friends, they're going to be imperfect. They aren't going to know my thoughts unless I share them. They aren't going to know the frustrations and difficulties I face in life unless I tell them. And even if I do tell them, that doesn't mean that they will understand. They may not always be around for me. They may not ever really empathize or get what I'm facing. But one thing I do know - if I can be a friend to them, at least they will care about me... and they'll be able to slowly help me become a better person. And each person will have the ability to fill at least some small part in my life... and that's good enough.

Will I ever find a mortal someone who really gets me? I don't know. Hopefully, if/when I fall in love, that woman will be able to understand what's happening in my head, and I in hers, but I'm not sure that's very likely. Normal guys have enough trouble communicating and intuiting. :) But I think I'm making headway with the subconscious within me. People are imperfect. Relationships, even if they don't work out, are worthwhile. Don't be afraid to dive in, but remember to give everything and expect nothing in return. That way, everything I receive is a gift.

10,000 Reasons I'm Grateful to Be a (Gay) Mormon Guy

1. The Thanksgiving holiday in my family is simple - we have a turkey bowl, dinner, and other traditions, but for the most part it's just an opportunity to spend time with each other and share the things we are thankful for.

2. Thanksgiving is way less stressful when I don't have to plan around the schedule of my wife's parents and extended family - just my own.

3. The Church teaches that we need to love everyone, in every lesson, every talk, and every manual. There's no better place to find myself.

4. The people in the Church are horribly imperfect. I can see examples on both sides of the scale - from people with obvious pride and superiority complexes, to people with hidden pride and addiction, and know that I'm just one of many striving to get better.

5. The Book of Mormon gives me peace whenever I need it, and even when I don't think I do.

6. God reminds me that I need to read the Book of Mormon each day, even if it's 2:00 in the morning when I've slowed down enough to be listening.

7. I can always find people in the Church who will love me unconditionally. Sometimes it takes prayer and work, but I can find them.

8. Through priesthood power, my family can be together forever.

9. The gospel gives perspective and peace to the otherwise irreconcilable events of the world.

10-100. A personal relationship with God, promises in my patriarchal blessing, silent words of encouragement in the temple, and messages hidden in the mundane events of everyday remind me that all of my hundreds of righteous dreams and the promises that God has made to me will all come true... in the Lord's time and in His way.

101. I have the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, and I can claim it as my own. Who doesn't love MoTab?

102. I somehow landed in a unique, uncovetable spot in the political world - experiences that preserve me from the overwhelming pressures of both sides of the field, and at the same time make me an interesting anomaly for both.

103. The perspective of the gospel opens my heart to people, and gives me the ability to know what I need to do to help them heal their hearts and save their souls.

104-118. I have a living prophet, and apostles, who care about me and plead with the Lord in my behalf... and teach me what I can do to be a better disciple and friend.

119-300. Church music. I have real, honest, good Church music that inspires emotion in me - bringing tears, opening my heart, inspiring change, pushing me to repentance, compelling me to action, overcoming depression, drawing me closer to God... And that music seems to follow me and play accompaniment to the events of my life.

301-1040. I had the blessing to serve for two years as a missionary, standing as a witness of God at all times and in all places, and learning what it meant to literally take the name of Christ upon me and act in His name... fall in love with people and language, and come closer to God as I worked to help others make changes in their lives.

1041-5000. All the people that I've met throughout the world - members of the Church who all faithfully sacrifice to come closer to God and live His commandments. Somehow, I've been blessed to meet many, many people... and to somehow break through the initial veneer to hear about their lives and hopes and dreams. Knowing them, personally, has blessed my life and made me a better man.

5001-9999. The people I've never met in person, but who have touched my life through the Church and its union with technology - from members of the Seventy who speak in Conference to anonymous commenters here on (G)MG from Thailand, Malaysia, and Saudi Arabia. Thousands of people who continue to touch and change my life.

10000+. Ten thousand more people to meet, ten thousand more promises to see to fruition, a hundred million blessings from heaven, and at least that many more steps in getting a little bit closer to perfect. The gospel has no ceiling to progression. And the LOrd never tires in helping me grow.

The Tenth Leper

Luke 17
12 And as he entered into a certain village, there met him ten men that were lepers, which stood afar off:
13 And they lifted up their voices, and said, Jesus, Master, have mercy on us.
14 And when he saw them, he said unto them, Go shew yourselves unto the priests. And it came to pass, that, as they went, they were cleansed.
15 And one of them, when he saw that he was healed, turned back, and with a loud voice glorified God,
16 And fell down on his face at his feet, giving him thanks: and he was a Samaritan.
17 And Jesus answering said, Were there not ten cleansed? but where are the nine?
18 There are not found that returned to give glory to God, save this stranger.
19 And he said unto him, Arise, go thy way: thy faith hath made thee whole.

What does it mean to be "made whole," and how is it different from being cleansed? Is it just the spiritual equivalent of being cleansed? It required considerable faith for the ten lepers to be healed of leprosy... does that mean that being made whole requires even greater faith? And how does this apply to my life?

If Christ came to me today, and offered to take away all of my physical trials, I'd be like one of the ten lepers - calling to Him from afar off and asking for His intervention on my behalf. If He healed me, I'm sure I'd be grateful, as the other 9 lepers most definitely were. What made the tenth leper so different? Was it just that He returned to give thanks? Is gratitude such a big part of repentance that our becoming whole is contingent on our ability to give thanks and give the glory to God? And if the true meaning of the parable is the importance of being whole - not simply cleansed - what does that mean to me?

Those are the questions going through my mind as I read this account. I think Christ was trying to illustrate the importance of striving to become whole - spiritually whole - instead of simply asking for relief from the difficulties of life... focusing on the spiritual aspects of imperfection in mortality. And I think that here He shares an interesting message - how key gratitude is in being saved. Being "whole" is often similar in root to being "perfect" - complete, unspotted, righteous in every way. The woman with an issue of blood was declared whole after she put her faith in Christ, as was the tenth leper, and the man who received his sight. All of them did something more than just have the faith to receive physical miracles in their behalf; they had the faith to receive unseen spiritual miracles that far surpassed what could be seen on the surface.

I think that's the miracle that I should always be praying for - not to be freed from trials or tribulations, but the miracle of being able to live and keep the commandments in any situation. Being willing to date, and learning to enjoy it, even though I'm not attracted to women. Coping with attraction to guys and finding ways to ensure the positive side of interactions with them. And being willing to live life and keep moving forward no matter what happens - even if I spend the rest of life alone - and learning to be happy in those circumstances.

I used to think that happiness came as a byproduct of completing a given set of to-do's, among which were finding an eternal companion, having a family, etc... Now I realize that happiness isn't something that comes at the end of mortality or even after I have weathered my trials. It is available today, and tomorrow, and the next day. And I don't have to downgrade my morals to find it. It's available through God.

I obviously can't really talk about what went through their minds without it being conjecture, but I think that's what made the tenth leper different. I think that, if he hadn't been healed, he would have continued to believe in Christ and praise God - and maybe that is what made the difference. He had already found happiness in doing what was right within his ability, and the outward miracle of healing was just that - an outward manifestation to match a greater inward change... and Christ's miracle was an opportunity to invite me, and all those present, to exercise the same faith to be made whole.

When Faith Endures

A friend asked me how my dating life is going. That question always leaves me smiling - if only because it usually means the asker hasn't been on a date in two weeks and wants advice. Inside, it leaves me smiling because, while my dating life definitely isn't going anywhere soon, it gives the Lord a chance to remind me that someday, I'll be the person I need to be, and somehow find and fall in love with a girl. And, in the meantime, dating serves as an opportunity to make friends and do missionary work, send girls on missions, help them identify traits to look for in husbands...

Sometimes dating, or even survival, seems like it's far too hard to deal with in life. But then I realize that, while my life may be hard, I have the gospel. I have God at my side. I have the power of the priesthood and temple ordinances and family and prophets and scriptures and Primary songs that play in my head at night. I have generations of ancestors who prayed for blessings for their posterity, from Abraham down through today... and, most of all, I have the promise that, if I just keep moving forward, I will make it. It will be enough. I will find true love and happiness and fulfil the plan that God created for me. And all I have to do, today, is live today. And then, when tomorrow comes, I'll turn to God and ask for strength to live tomorrow.

I think that is what the Lord was trying to teach the Israelites when He sent manna in the desert. If I look at the desert of life, standing before me, and try to imagine living endless eternity with the strength I currently have (alone, without many friends, and living with same-sex attraction) it will only lead to fear and depression and a sick feeling in my stomach... But if I look at just today, I have enough strength to live and grow and thrive. And I can have the faith to believe that He will be there for me tomorrow. When the Israelites looked at the desert sands, their fear of the future overwhelmed their faith. They didn't believe that God would do another miracle... and that lack of faith left only crawling worms and a sick feeling in their stomachs.

The strength the Lord gives me today, is for today. I can use it all and it will be enough. And then the true choice, a choice that I and everyone make each and every day, is whether I will have the faith through the night and into the storm that He will be there again at my side... that He has never left me at all... to send peace and hope and strength from Heaven in the moment that I need it.

Suicide

It began in passing. I had dropped in to see a friend who was attending a performance, and the musician on stage began to play his guitar and sing. The melody was catchy, but the words cut to the core, speaking of leaving family, friends, life, problems, and pain behind... and encouraging onlookers to not judge for what they couldn't see. The words drew tears for me, thinking about people I knew and memories of my own life... I looked around at the audience members and wondered how many of them really understood what he was singing about - how many really understood how fragile life can be, even in someone who seems to have everything put together? Did they really understand? The performance met with rousing applause, when I would have given silence instead. That was my answer. And that began the first of my recent recollections on life and death.

It happened again in music, again a song I hadn't heard before, sung by an acquaintance onstage. And again the lyrics echoed pain and sorrow, suffering and frustration. She belted it, and inside I realized that, to her, the song was just a song. Music with a catchy beat and rhyming words, not a glimpse into the reality that stalks people who stand by us today and may not tomorrow.

The topic showed up in the news, was mentioned in conversations, and became a sudden centerpiece for discussions as people talked with me. It's not something I almost ever talk about... but it came up, over, and over, and over again. And so it's my topic now... and hopefully it will help someone here.

I used to want to die. For years I wanted to die. I felt alone, outcast, depressed, isolated, different, friendless, worthless, cursed, evil... and I felt like I had nothing good to offer the world. I believed, honestly, that while some people might have cared about me, they would truly be better off without me in their lives. They only cared because they cared about everyone... or because they had to... and if they really knew the true me, complete with sin and addiction and imperfections, even they would turn away.

Taking my own life was never an option, because I knew that it was wrong, it would devastate my family, and it would have eternal consequences (I think that was one of the most vital things I learned in Primary - suicide is a major sin that will keep you from salvation. That knowledge kept me alive. Really.). So I would curl up in a ball and cry and pray that somehow I wouldn't have to wake up in the morning and face the world again. I spent many nights simply crying for that... but it obviously never happened.

No one knew. Not my parents, or the people at school, or the people at Church, or even the people who tried to be closest to me. On the outside, I was perfect. Perfect in everything, happy, a shining example of whatever it was you needed an example for. But inside I was a wreck.

The only solace I ever found was in my personal relationship with God... but even that took time to develop, time to encourage, time to truly understand. Late at night, when the world was falling in on me and nothing could lift my hopes, I learned to turn to God and pour out my tears to Him... and He listened.

The Lord never came to me in person to dry my tears. He didn't send angels from Heaven. But every time I turned to Him and asked to know if He loved me, He found a way to tell me that He did. Sometimes it was in the wind, sometimes in the rain. Sometimes in the sun, or the clouds, or the scriptures, or a talk in Church or a message from someone in my life. No matter what has happened, I have always known that God loves me... and, for me, that makes living my life worthwhile. God loves me. He created me, and gave me everything I can't control to learn to be happy and grow to become the man He sees in me. And with Him at my side, I can do anything.

Today, suicide is still not an option. But it tugs at the back of my mind when days are dark and I wonder if I'm doing anything worthwhile, or if I'm ruining the Plan Father has for me.

To all of you who understand - who have felt pain and sorrow so intense that it seems better to give up - I share my love... and I say that you are important in the eyes of God and the eyes of the people in your life. You're important because once you smiled at the bus driver and it helped him to have a better day. You're important because you live by morals that others watch, silently and in the shadows, and because your example inspires them to change the world. You're important because people care about you, pray for you, think about you, and want you to be a greater part of their lives. And you're important because you have a story and a gift that only you have - a place in God's Plan to save His children and bring them happiness that no one else can ever fill... and that comes from your life, your struggles, your faith, your falterings, and your relationship with God. You are amazing, and you are a literal spirit child of the God of the Universe. He did not send you here to fail... which means that, no matter what has happened, He stands at your side, ready to help you move forward and find the hope and peace and happiness you need.

Hope is shining brightly on a cold November night
The moon is gone, the stars are dark, and yet there still is light
Because beneath the wind and through my pain a whisper sounds...
"My Son, I love you. And it will be alright."



A talk by Elder Ballard: Suicide: Some things we know, and some things we do not know.