Sunday, November 21

And wanting to die

My life is a roller coaster... and somewhere near incredible spiritual experiences, whether before or after, come the lowest of the lows. The points when I see, in perfect clarity, everything that the world takes for granted and that I would give anything to have. The days when something inside me tells me that, for all the good I do, I'm worthless... because the sins of my past have robbed me of the blessings of eternity.

I know it's a lie. But right now I feel awful. Burned out, discarded, lost... and, most of all, powerless. Powerless to keep myself from hurting people around me, powerless to take my life in my hands and live the dreams I've had since I learned to dream. And sometimes, tears running down my face, I wish I could die and at least this trial would go away.

I'm lost, confused, powerless, and ground into the dust. Nothing I've done in life seems to matter. And maybe that's where God wants me... humble enough to turn to Him for guidance and peace. I know that God loves me. I know that He will do anything to help me be happy. And I know I can keep moving forward, and tomorrow will be better than today. Or at least God will give me the strength to live and the faith and hope to be happy.

Today was a good day. It was an awful day. Maybe that's another meaning for great and terrible day of the Lord... but I know that the Lord will fulfill His promises. I don't know how or when. But I know that He will if I continue to do what is right. And that knowledge and peace makes life worth living.


  1. Someone very wise told me concerning those that want to die: "Sometimes they want the pain and suffering to just end, and I try to find ways to help them learn from the pain... and to find joy in the journey of life."

    I can't even imagine the pain and frustration you must feel sometimes.

    As I see it you are a light for all that are around you. A light in an increasing dark and confused world. Satan would love to bring down a brother like you. Your faith is astounding.

    I can't even begin to thank you for the night that you responded to an email I sent you. Though small to you maybe, it was HUGE for me and what is going on in my life. That mattered so much to me in my life. And it mattered in the life of my brother.

    What you are doing on a daily basis.... not just this blog, or responding to emails....but the seemingly small and simple things are what matters; your faith and relationship with God. Your undeviating commitment to what is true and right.

    I pray that you can find JOY in the journey and these days of wanting to die will be fewer.

    And some how we can all learn the valuable lesson of being humble and turning to the Lord no matter what we are feeling like. I think that it a test in and of itself.

    I think you are amazing.

  2. "My son, peace be unto thy soul. Thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment; and then if thou endure it well, God shall exalt the on high; thou shalt triumph over all they foes. They friends do stand by thee, and they shall hail thee again with warm hearts and friendly hands." That's one of my favorite scriptures, and I'm sure I share that with a lot of other people. And now I'm sharing it with you.

    Chin up, brother! You know that all of this sadness is just the Adversary trying to bring you down. He wouldn't be trying so hard if you weren't so awesome to begin with. I know that doesn't make it any less hard, but it's a comforting thought sometimes.

    You have a good soul, and you're trying your hardest to do what you know is right. I know that you will be blessed for your efforts. I admire and respect you, and you're in my prayers. You've touched a lot of lives with your writings here, and that surely speaks for the goodness in your heart. Things will get better, whether in this life or the next. If you have nothing else to hold onto, hold onto that. It might not seem like much, but it's at least something.

    And you are making a difference. "Remember the worth of souls is great in the sight of God. ... And if it so be that you should labor all your days in crying repentance unto this people, and bring, save it be one soul unto me, how great shall be your joy with him in the kingdom of my Father!"

  3. I have been feeling the same way, except I have lost most of my faith that God will give me strength to be happy. My wife has commented that she would rather I would die in an accident so we wouldn't have to deal with all this. She wasn't trying to be mean, just expressing her frustration. I have thought the same thing.

    Sometimes my biggest fantasy is to lovingly embrace a man and then have him kill me in mercy. I think the release of death would be so much more fantastic than any orgasm. I know this sounds awful, but it is honest desperation. Thankfully, I have friends I can call to make me feel like a worthy human again.

  4. Remember that "the Son of Man hath descended below them all" (D&C 122:8). He knows and has felt your pain. With Him on your side, you are NOT powerless. That's exactly how Satan wants you to feel: alone, worthless, despairing, and powerless. You know all this, but sometimes it helps to hear someone else's testimony. I know that the Lord heals all... in time. He also must refine His people, and that's the part that hurts. You must be one of the strongest, for you are being tested and refined more than most. Stay strong, defy Satan, and know that "all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good." You will be blessed for your faithfulness. I have been blessed by your testimony.

  5. It was the best of times. It was the worst of times. Sometimes, we need to sit back and appreciate the ups and downs of life.

  6. I often have the same feelings. I don't know where I would be if it weren't for the incredible spiritual experiances and the promises my Heavenly Father has given me. Even with the spiritual experiences and promises I often doubt them and myself. I was happy to read this, just to know I'm not alone, so I thought I post just to let you know you are not alone. THanks.

  7. Thank you for posting your blog. My heart breaks as I read your post today. In fact, I wondered if you were my son. He had a day just like this, yesterday. I don't know how to help him. He wants to follow the teachings of the Savior. My heart wants to explode. I wish he had someone to talk to.

  8. If you didn't have this trial, a lot of people would not have received strength from you. If you were not suffering from SSA, you would not have had the same impact when talking to people about the issue. You would not be considered an authority and no one would care as much about your opinions (everyone knows Mormons don't advocate same sex marriage. What's another Mormon's opinion?) I believe when you have helped the people Heavenly Father wants you to help you will be able to move to the next step in your life.

    I have found that spending time with friends that don't require anything of me helps me to relax and recharges my batteries. Maybe having a hangout night with your friends every here and there will take some pressure off of you and make you feel better. It also helps to make you feel loved and wanted.

    There are no dating opportunities here. It's a lonely place for a different reason. I've been desperate to get the attention of non-member guys at work and I am to the point where I feel like lowering my standards to do so... (And no, don't worry, I'm being good. No one wants someone that's desperate.)

  9. I hope you won't mind me sharing this, but I came across these words right after reading your post:

    "There is faith, hope and charity.

    There is past, future and present.

    Faith is believing that everything in my past has a purpose. Every misjudgment, jealousy and hurt. Every joy, indulgence and success. All my wrong choices, all my right choices pushed me forward to right now. My rejoicing, my repentance, my realignments, all of it, has brought me here. Faith is believing that I have been on an upwards progression all my life, guided by the very angels of heaven. There have been no mistakes so grave, no depression so dark, no wind so strong that I've been knocked off course. Faith is believing that the past has accumulated for my good. And though it still makes up my soul, the past is over.

    Hope is believing that the future will come. A future of better things, stronger convictions and securer sense of self. It is having the confidence that everything I don't have today, everything I want, will come because I am worthy of it. Hope says, I am weak today, but tomorrow I will be a little bit stronger. Hope can promise all the hurt, all the fear, anxiety, the lacking will slowly leave, vanish, melt away. Hope is okay that today isn't perfect. Hope holds all the mysteries yet to unfold. Hope is never-ending because the future is always ahead.

    Charity is all we have in the present. Our past is gone, our future is yet and there is no sense living in those two spaces. We remember, we project, but for now we love. We love all that we have presently, all that our eyes can see and bodies can touch. We love the people who are in our rooms, our spaces our dreams. We love with intelligence and understanding. We may not have the money we want, the body we crave the things that occupy our desires, but we can love the salary we do make, the body we have cultivated, the things that fulfill our needs. We love the meals we eat, the shoes we wear, the woman at the grocery store. Charity is the now we own, the present we can manipulate. It's all we have and it's all we have to give.

    So be kind to yourself [...]"

    Remember that you are loved and that you are worthwhile. The Adversary might have you think otherwise, but it's a lie. You must be doing something right to feel so low ;) Hang in there, brother! *B


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