Wednesday, September 22

Becoming Self-Aware

One of the greatest blessings I've reaped (albeit indirectly) from being attracted to guys is a powerful sense of self-awareness. Maybe it's just a really bad case of thinking too much, but as I look into my soul and the patterns of my life I find I learn new things - lessons, metaphors, and opportunities for growth. I can see the hand of the Lord in everything, I know when I need Him, I know how His influence changes me... and only recently have I come to realize how great a blessing that is.

I spent a lot of my life completely and totally alone (whether or not there were actually people around me)... and being alone forced me to deal with and understand my feelings, thoughts, emotions, and the things that make me tick. There's something about feeling such incredible loneliness and pain... and then learning how to fight it, to cope, to move on with life, that has given me an incredible understanding of who I am and who I want to be. I still often have no idea what is going on inside my head, and I don't know what the Lord has in store for me in two months, let alone two or twenty years. But at least I have some inkling, and it helps me feel like I am at least going in the right direction.

Looking at other people, it's interesting to see how they become aware of their own needs and reliance on the Lord... how they come to value life and God and salvation. One gets cancer and faces chemotherapy. Another loses a child to sickness. Another faces financial ruin, or personal sickness, or massive stresses. In each case, they have choices. They can break under the strain, become bitter, and turn away from God... or turn to Him, find their inner strength, and become something better than they were.

I used to think I was an anomaly. I hadn't had any major trials like cancer or death or sickness. I had a pretty perfect life. And yet I had the ability to look inside myself and understand the power of the Atonement. Now I realize that even my ability to appreciate the gospel and its teachings came the normal way - burned into my soul through trials. It was this trial.

I know I will continue to face massive trials in life - things so big that they are literally and completely impossible to face on my own. Things so awful that just thinking about them summons utter hopelessness... But not if I have (and use) the ability to understand my feelings and my needs, and turn to the Lord for help. And I think that that skill is what keeps cancer patients alive, allows mourning parents to move on, and gives men and women like me the ability to live happy, fulfilled lives as members of the Church - no matter what happens to them. I look inside myself, honestly assess who I am, understand my weaknesses and my needs, and then turn to the Lord and follow His guidance. And as I follow Him, He teaches me more about who I am (and who I can become) than I could ever learn on my own.


  1. May I ask, how old-ish would you be? You seem to have great insights, yet also seem to be relatively young? Or, am I "reading" your vibe wrong? :) (By the way, I am about 197 these days...and, yes, I feel EVERY year!)

    Inquiring minds want to know. :)

    Happy night!

  2. TBA: I ask myself that same question, some days. :) Age is a dangerous thing here on (Gay) Mormon Guy... since with an age (or even age-ish) I could suddenly become too old for the rising generation or too young to understand the experiences that come with time.

    You've already extrapolated an approximate age from the sum of my posts. So I'll leave it at that. Rest assured that your vibe-reading skills are intact and well. Hopefully, as I continue to age, I'll also continue to have insights that can help the people around me.

    Thanks for your comment. I promise that next time I'll be more straightforward in my answer (unless you ask me my name or something).

  3. I just discovered your blog, and it really hits home. I struggle with SSA as you do, and this post in particular mirrors many of my daily temptations and frustrations, including the isolation you describe.

    I've told other people things similar to what you have posted: that, in an odd sort of way, folks who struggle with SSA can actually benefit, to some extent, from having their temptations right there before them, rather than having their "demons" hidden, masquerading as something good. There is no mistaking our challenges for what they truly are, and I think it makes them a bit easier to deal with.

    Prayers, my friend, will be with you, as will your Heavenly Father, through all of your struggles... and your blessings.

  4. Britt: Yeah. I really believe what it says in the scriptures - "all things work together for good to them that love God." The key is loving God - and loving Him enough to obey Him and believe that He loves, understands, and cares about you. Being obedient is hard. But when we are obedient, He can help us see the purpose in all things.

    Thanks for your comment and your prayers. Welcome to (Gay) Mormon Guy.


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