Tuesday, September 14

Try Again. And Again. And Again.

Today was rough. It started out great, since I had tons to accomplish. For the last few days I've been so busy that I haven't really had down time. So when I got home late this afternoon and realized I didn't have anything planned, it was a bit of a shock. Within moments, temptations and thoughts of things to do (none of them productive or spiritually healthy) filled my mind and started to overwhelm me. There was no one else around; the only hope I had was to pray for help. I uttered a silent prayer and, within moments, remembered things I really did need to do - read the Book of Mormon, work out at the gym, write in my blog, eat something healthy, and prepare for tomorrow.

But the memory of things to do didn't do anything for the massive urges. So I grabbed my mp3 player and started listening to last April's General Conference while eating. It helped, but didn't solve the problem. So I left and went to talk with a few friends. Still not working. Then I went to the gym to work out, killed myself there, came back, showered, and changed. Thankfully, by that time my body was under control. And now I feel like I can go to sleep (and wake up crazy early tomorrow to start all over again) in peace.

I've found that temptations and urges in my life, even though they may be sporadic when I'm crazy busy, are still a part of my life. And knowing how to live with them ensures that they don't take over my life. It's strange - the temptations and urges have gotten stronger and stronger with time, but I've also become more able to live with them and move on with my life. Before, humming a hymn might have worked. Now, singing at full belt is just one of many potential steps to reclaim my mind and body; sometimes it takes everything I can think of before I stop thinking about a guy. But, if I'm really willing to try the right things, to turn to the Lord, and to dedicate my life to Him, the urges do dissipate. And instead of feeling guilty and unclean, the experience leaves me strengthened and full of faith - that I can live with this, move forward, and be happy. At least, as long as I'm willing to try and try again.


  1. I found your blog and I can't stop reading. I hear myself in almost every post you write, even though our challenges are slightly different. This one, especially, hits homes. I am a young single LDS female struggling with a pornography addiction. I find my worst moments are when I am alone, with nothing to do. This is compounded by the fact that by nature, I like being alone after too much time spent with people. I treasure my solitude, since it is when I can write or paint or draw. But I also dread my solitude.

    I hear myself echoed in this post so much. I too have to fill my idle time with business, never feeling very successful in any of it until I realize I have made it to the next day without giving in. I think that's the way we have to cope sometimes when it gets bad - just barely one step ahead, barely maintaining a grasp.

    Because this addiction is attributed mainly to men, and is indeed only addressed to men in many talks, I have felt very isolated with my problem, leading to deep and lasting depression. Even though we don't share the same trial, they are similar enough in nature that I have found great comfort in this blog. Thank you so much for posting this and doing what you do. You have given me hope, and comfort in knowing someone out there is dealing with monumental challenges too.

  2. Alice: That's why I write - to help you feel loved, understood... and to give you the strength and hope and faith you need to become who you really want to be... and come closer to Christ.

    Know that you are not alone, and that while others may not be able to empathize with the conditions of your life, the Spirit can give them the ability to understand and enable you to move forward.

    Everyone has to fight to stay on a spiritual high - no matter who they are. I've found that it is worth every effort... and giving up everything in my life... to have the Spirit always to be with me.

    Thanks for your comment. Take your newfound strength, hope, and comfort and forge a new life. And then come back and share your story again on (Gay) Mormon Guy.

  3. MG:
    You are an amazing man. I came to your blog from a contentious Facebook page regarding President Packer's talk and was touched by the spirit I felt.

    My trials are different from yours. I struggle with pride, jealousy, and doubt. It seems unfair that you must struggle with something so difficult; something that brings you so much pain. I know that Heavenly Father only gives us what we can handle. Please keep fighting. Your blog gives so many others hope that they can continue to fight against the adversary in a time when it seems nearly impossible to avoid all the temptations of the world.

    Right before my husband and I got married he confessed to me about his addiction to pornography that he'd been fighting with since he was a teen. I was devastated. I loved him so much and I couldn't stand to see him suffering.

    We did something about it. We knew that it would ruin our marriage, but that our temple marriage was the most important thing for us to do. We fought. I called him every night to read scriptures with him before we went to bed. We prayed so hard it physically hurt. My husband went through a difficult period of repentance. There were some days that I worried if we would have to call the wedding off.

    Our faith and constant fight against the adversary was successful. We were married in the temple a year and a half ago. I still worry if my husband's mind is wandering to places where it shouldn't be, but his fight continues. I have faith that his obedience to the Lord will bring us great blessings.

    You, too, will receive blessings for your steadfastness in the Gospel. Keep up your fight. Keep sharing your story with others. It has brought me great hope. Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this wonderful blog.


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