Apathy

Sometimes depression hits me like a ton of bricks, leaving me with nothing to do but cry. It makes me feel less than worthless, and nothing in the world can give me peace. I lose my desire to do anything because my mind is convinced (albeit on extremely questionable grounds) that I could never really do anything worthwhile. And if nothing I do can make a difference, then why try?

When depression like that hits, writing is often my outlet, and I find myself here, writing, reading my scriptures, and trying to lift my otherwise downtrodden spirit. And it ends up working and helping me to see deeper meaning in life; it gives purpose to the suffering I face.

But sometimes depression, or something, hits from a totally different direction. Instead of robbing me of self-worth, it simply robs me of my motivation... of the enjoyment and passion and all the emotions I used to feel in life. Things that used to be compelling are tiresome, and the commitments I excitedly made only days before grow into boring lapses of going through the motions. And when I feel that way (which describes me over the last few days), I don't find myself turning to God or to anything for help. To be honest, I don't find myself doing much of anything.

I miss my scheduled workouts, because I don't have the desire to go. And even when I force myself to get inside the gym, I don't ever feel the workout rush. The daily run of life loses all value, and people can tell that I've checked out of reality no matter where I go. I stop calling my friends or returning their calls, wake up late, and find myself going for hours without even a memory of what I accomplished to show for it - only a hugely deadened sense of guilt for having wasted time.

If I didn't completely lack emotions right now, the realization that a feeling of apathy could negatively affect my life would make me incredibly frustrated, or at least concerned. I'd write about my own shortcomings and light a fire beneath myself to make it less likely in the future and give me the tools to cope in the meantime. I've spent years trying to develop patterns and habits, and this is not helping. As it is, I don't really feel anything. And, in my current condition, I'm not sure that I could convince myself that it is worth caring about.

So what is it then that pushes me to write tonight? If it's not a desire to share anything or to work through my feelings or to answer a question on my mind... what keeps me here?

I think it's a sense of idle curiosity - the one emotion that perhaps even a cloak of apathy doesn't kill inside me. Somewhere inside me there's a deeply rooted desire to understand the universe and its workings, and I want to understand what is happening to me. I sometimes lack interest in specific subjects, but this is different. What is this overwhelming, universal feeling of apathy? Where does it come from? Are there precipitating factors in its manifestation? How can I fight it? Should I? Can I? What can I learn from it? How can I help others do the same?

I don't know the answers... and part of me doesn't care. But part of me has already woken up and is pleading for me to find a way to work through it - to read my scriptures and work out and eat healthily and pray even when I feel dead to the world... because they are important. And even in my apathy, I feel the soft whispering that tells me it's true.

I guess that's my answer. Maybe the apathy is just a test to see if I'm willing to push through and stay true to my covenants and commitments even without the immediate gratification that doing and being good often brings. To be who I am even without the carefully tuned desires and emotions that influence me each day. Or maybe it's to help me help others. One of my friends recently told me he felt an incredible sense of apathy, and I wondered what I could do to help... and now I know. 

Who knows. I still wonder about the apathy, but something inside me has woken up to tell me I have things to do. I guess it's leaving after all.